Opinion: After a loved one is gone, what truly endures in our hearts?

TOPICS:

Posted By: jasabacklink July 16, 2024

Does size matter when it applies to obituaries? They vary widely, from concise to lengthy dedications that resemble résumés. One may wonder if there’s an afterlife HR department reviewing them. Some sprawl across an entire page, detailing schools attended, degrees earned, jobs held, places travelled — even favourite foods.

When the time comes, I’d like my obituary to be as short as possible, echoing James Joyce’s sentiment: She lived and laughed and loved and left.

Article content

The sudden loss of a dear friend has me reflecting on which qualities signal a life well lived and what we remember and cherish most in a person.

All this introspection arose while sitting next to my husband in a chapel full of mourners, there to pay respects to a longtime friend who died far too soon. He left behind a devoted wife and two adoring adult children, and there was an overflowing presence of relatives, friends, colleagues, neighbours and acquaintances — a true testament to his charismatic King of Kensington persona. He had a gift for gab and was able to connect with anyone and everyone.

My mind drifted as I stared straight ahead at the coffin resting on its bier and listened to the officiant recite traditional passages. If I were lying in repose, could I fill a room like this? Could I even fill a single pew? What have I been doing to cultivate emotional and supportive relationships?

My husband and I have joked that when one of us inevitably kicks the bucket, we may need to distribute complimentary gift bags, like those at children’s birthday parties, just to attract more attendees.

Article content

The COVID-19 pandemic has underscored the crucial role of robust social connections in overcoming adversity and helping us manage stressful and challenging times. Beyond mere survival, having profoundly satisfying and meaningful relationships is pivotal for long-term happiness, well-being and physical health. Studies consistently show that strong social support networks could help buffer against possible chronic diseases.

As the eulogies continued, we dabbed away tears, hearing tributes and stories about how our friend’s life affected and enriched the lives of so many, and about the quirks and qualities that made our friend unique — his devotion and loyalty to family, sense of humour, generous heart, calm and soft-spoken demeanour and overall good nature. His obituary could have belaboured his many career accomplishments, but focused instead on his kindness and other exemplary traits.

I wondered once more: How does one encapsulate a life? While success, philanthropy, achievements and contributions to the community are undoubtedly significant, what endures? What truly resonates in our hearts? Often, a person’s compassion, empathy and unwavering love shape our memories and create the most profound impressions. These qualities transcend material success.

Funerals serve as poignant reminders of our mortality and encourage us to contemplate life’s priorities, engage fully in the present moment and know that our time is finite. They solemnly unite us in our shared humanity, fostering community. Regrettably, the polite, concerned, considerate and sensitive behaviours displayed during these times of loss and reflection are not more commonly seen in everyday interactions.

Whether an obituary is as brief as a tweet or as detailed and expansive as a novel, it transcends mere words. Obituaries are not just about documenting facts, but about preserving and honouring a person’s legacy and life story, leaving an enduring imprint that persists long after the ink has faded.

Wendy Reichental worked as an administrative co-ordinator at McGill University. She is now retired and living in Dollard-des-Ormeaux.

Recommended from Editorial

Share this article in your social network