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Premier François Legault recently announced Quebec plans to bring “respect” back into francophone schools, partly by teaching kids the proper use of “vous” and “tu” starting in kindergarten.

I understand why kids might struggle to use these two French pronouns properly. As a Quebec anglo I’ve been baffled by “tu” and “vous” ever since I could first croak the words: “Come-on-tally vous?”

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For starters I’ve never been certain precisely when to use the respectful “vous” or more informal “tu,” since we anglos don’t grow up with this francophone mental caste system.

It’s easy in formal situations where people are strangers, so using “vous” is natural. But it’s more complex in relaxed settings where you kind-of-know some people.

For instance, at mixed language tennis games or parties, I often start by calling recent acquaintances ”vous” (known as “vousvoyer”-ing).

But they often reply by using tu, although we barely know each other.

Yet if I start out with “tu” instead, they’re just as likely to answer with “vous.” So I usually wait and see how francophones apply their secret usage code, then copy them.

Sometimes, in mid-conversation, I just forget and start vous-ing friends while tu-ing strangers.

Or I get mixed up about which I’m using and switch from vous to tu, then back in a single sentence.

For instance: “Pensez-vous que tu va quitter le job que vous avait eu — pardon — que tu AS eu .. er … vous aviez … er … ayoyeee!”

Some professionals, like a lawyer friend, always start by asking francophone clients if they can both “tutoyer” one another — as “that’s simpler and also breaks the ice.”

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He says people always agree, “but sometimes they unconsciously slip back into calling me vous because I’m older — and a lawyer.”

Meanwhile, some francophone parents still insist their kids call them vous because “we’re parents, not friends.”

And what if your spouse is also France’s president Emmanuel Macron — what do you call him: “Monsieur le président” in public and “Mannie” at home?

Not to mention when talking to several tu’s at once, like your mom, dad and sister, where you must use the plural “vous.”

It’s all way too complex for us anglos to fully grasp.

It’s cultural too. In Sweden, Denmark and Holland, using first names only, or casual pronouns, is encouraged in school and elsewhere to “promote equality.”

In tightly knit Brazil, it’s common to call teachers and close neighbors “tia” (auntie) or “tio” (uncle).

Adding to the confusion, Montreal is an informal town that uses “tu” far more frequently than Paris. That’s especially true of young Montrealers who often love casual North American lingo.

In the Plateau, it’s become common to have 19-year-old francophone waiters start service with a chirped: “Bonjour-hi! Est-ce-que tu vas prendre quelque chose à boire?”

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In fairness, that’s similar to English-language call centre agents who now chirp: “Hi, I’m Suzzi! Do you mind if we both use our first names?”

Some agents break right into “Hi, Josh, terrific to talk to you!” That’s delivered with great friendliness, just before they put me on hold all afternoon.

In truth, the greeting you use doesn’t reveal whether you’re actually friendly, or respectful, or neither.

I think part of today’s supposed school “respect problem” goes beyond French and into generational changes in formality versus informality, happening in English too.

All my childhood teachers were called Mister or Miss Lastname. Otherwise you were off to Mister Principal’s office.

But today many young teachers want students to use their first name; in francophone schools too. So it’s easy for pronouns to become confusing, or socially loaded.

When our son was in his teens we asked his close friends to use our first names. But over time we noticed they never uttered our first or last names when they hung at our house.

My son explained why: “We don’t call peoples’ parents anything; it’s too complicated and risky.”

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“With some fathers you say Mister Something and they feel hurt, because it’s too formal and makes them feel old.

“But with another parent you use their first name and they’re insulted. Who can keep track?

“So we get around it by not calling parents anything — it’s safer. We just call them nothing.”

So what’s a Quebec anglo to do? In the decades-old “Anglo Guide to Survival” I co-wrote, contributor Stephen Phizicky had a chapter called learning “Le Instant French.”

When it comes to “tu” and “vous,” he wrote, you will never really master them as an anglo, so “just pick one.”

“Uptight formal people should call everyone ‘vous,’ informal backslappers should call everyone ‘tu’ — even if you end up vousvoyer-ing your best friend or tutoyer-ing the prime minister.

In addition, I think francophones could help us out by signalling anglos in some way, say wearing a T-shirt that says: “Appelle-moi TU: call me TU.”

Given all this complexity, I suspect the government ordering Quebec students to use “vous” will be as effective as ordering them to do anything else, Monsieur Legault.

They’ll probably just end up calling you nothing.

Take it from Uncle Josh.

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